30660
Fans

How to enjoy a better life by choosing the "conflict free route"

Oct
22
2009

by Sibyl · 6 comments

Life is filled with so many opportunities to have conflict. From the person who cuts you off while you are driving, to the coworker that continually insists on arguing and arguing in order to get his way.  No matter which way you turn, there are situations where you may feel conflict is the only real option in order to fix the problem.  Some form of conflict, may seem to be the only option because you don’t want people to just take advantage of you.  You feel it is important your opinion is represented and if that means you may have to increase your intensity a little bit so you can be heard, so be it.  At least you have had an opportunity to vent your feelings and perhaps you have even successfully badgered someone into reconsidering their position.

The alternaview

The alternaview is that anytime we have to increase our intensity or anytime we get emotionally worked up in order to resolve a situation, we ultimately lose, even if we think we got our way.  Anytime we take something to that “next level”, we invite more and more conflict to come into our lives either immediately or in the future.  There is no escaping the future undesirable things that may arise, whether or not we realize the reasons for their existence.  We always need to be in search of and choose the conflict free route.

At all time, regardless of what is going on around us or who is doing what to us, we should never sacrifice our ability to not get worked up.  We should always choose to prioritize our peace of mind over any circumstance or situation or making a point, because this is how you really win.   There is a way to end up in a better place in terms of peace of mind and even voice your concerns and opinions.  It is not that you just overlook everything that others do that you disagree with, but rather that you choose to respond in a constructive way.

You realize that at the end of the day, there is nothing you should ever allow to raise your temperature and heart rate because it is simply not worth it.  This includes everything, the little petty issues with your spouse or significant other, the disputes with friends or coworkers, and yes, even the big disagreements.  By choosing this approach, not only do you protect your current peace of mind, but you also are just not at that emotional level where you continually focus and rehash things that have upset you.

When we genuinely want to integrate this alternaview into life:

1. Decide that you will always choose the conflict free route. I have been doing all I can to live a conflict free life for the past several years and have done so by diligently and consistently choosing the conflict free route.  The conflict free route is always an option the question is whether or not you choose it.  Yes, the route where you get to really let out all of your frustration and prove your points (which may actually be really good points and right) may seem to be attractive and calling your name, but you have to choose to ignore any temptation and proceed down the conflict free route…with caution (because it is too easy to start down the conflict free route and then change your mind and revert back to the curse someone out route, especially if they keep pushing your buttons).

2.  Try (and this may be hard) to see the other person has a point. Okay, so this is much easier said than done.  I still really (really, really, really) struggle with always being able to see the other side and sometimes I have to go to the next best thing, which is, understanding the person really thinks they have a good point.  There is always some reason why someone has decided to latch onto a position and in the majority of instances they really do think they have a good point.  Now granted, there are those times when people will just choose to be a contrarian, but even in those instances, they are choosing to disagree for what they see as a very good reason.  Being able to see the other side and possibly identify with what the other person is struggling with, does allow you to step back and perhaps calm down enough to continue to choose the conflict free route.

3.  Know that sometimes you just may have to walk away. Depending on the situation, it may be necessary to just remove yourself from it until you are in better frame of mind to choose that conflict free route.  Ideally, you will be able to choose that conflict free route right away, but if that is not possible, removing yourself from the situation is the best solution and counts as doing the right thing.  Now, it doesn’t mean that you can storm out of the room rolling your eyes and give finger gestures on your way out, but rather that you can choose to respond unemotionally by either not commenting or just excusing yourself.

4.  Approach each instance as a test. If you view every situation as a test, then your job is to successfully pass the test without reverting to frustration or anger.  Your ultimate goal is to always choose that conflict free route and the question is whether or not you can continually pass the test.  You view situations as challenges and realize that is your choice to either fail or pass the test.

5.  Continually remind yourself of why you are choosing the conflict free route. In the beginning, you may need to remind yourself of your incentives of choosing the conflict free route.  It really is for yourself and once you are able to really understand and believe this, it will become easier and easier to make this decision when you are confronted with challenging situations.

There is so much to be personally gained by having a life free of conflict and as you begin to remove more and more of it from your life, it will become more and more apparent.  Life is filled with so many opportunities to practice and to improve our ability to take that conflict free route.  The choice is always ours…this is the alternaview.

Are you able to continually choose the conflict free route?  Is this an alternaview you have already integrated into your life?  What is your experience with this alternaview?

Related Alternaviews:

Don’t get involved in the drama and increase your happiness

The Importance of Finding Middle Ground

Extending our OPEN philosophy to all interactions

Leave a comment

Leave a Comment

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Heena October 30, 2009 at 12:37 am

Hi Alternaview,

Indeed a very well thought topic to write on. And one of the most difficult to deal with when it comes to emotions. I interpreted being conflict free as being tolerant. Tolerance would make place for looking at something from the other person’ view or merely listening to their point of view patiently even while disagreeing with them.

Personally, in situations of conflict I find very difficult to control my heart rate. I find it easier to walk away as mentioned by you in one of your points since I find it hard to remain emotionally unaffected. It is but human to be emotional. Even if we stay calm, but somewhere in our minds, a particular incident might have created some scars.

Nevertheless, if strived for, following a conflict free path isn’t so difficult. Thanks for writing on this!

Reply

Sibyl October 31, 2009 at 9:09 am

@Heena: Thanks for always giving such thought provoking comments. You are right that it is difficult at times to remain emotionally unaffected when someone has pushed you too far. I think it is something we just have to continually strive for and work to get better and better at doing.

Reply

steve July 19, 2010 at 11:14 am

Hello,,,,I have found that it is not as easy as just taking the conflict free route when we have a grown daughter,,that always has some type of excuse of why we cannot see our grandkids..She uses her kids as pawns in this so called statement that she has of,,,I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY MUCH,,but continues to always come up with an excuse..My wife and I are in our mid fifties,,with not very good health,,and our daughter is 31.. Now she has her eldest son who is 7 yrs old telling her that he is NOT going to see his grandparents cause its a 50 mile drive and it takes to long to get there so she leaves him at home with his father instead of forcing him to come whether he likes it or not,,,esp, when he can go to all kinds of birthday parties,etc without having a problem about going no matter how far the distance or the length of time it takes to get there….The one that really hits home,,is when our daughter tells us that we are the first ones being called when our grandkids were born and we find out before we ever get a call that we are indeed the last ones to be told….And it goes on and on….PLEASE Tell us what we should do when our daughters marriage is all one sided and we are always at the end for everything that goes on in our daughters life…How can we hold back on comments that we express when we both have holes in our heartsso big,,that they can never be mended… IT REALLY HURTS from LEWISVILLE TEXAS………

Reply

Sibyl July 20, 2010 at 8:47 am

Steve: Welcome to the alternaview and thank you so much for the comment and the response. I agree with you it is difficult to take the conflict free route when you feel that you have been wronged over and over again. I can also tell from your comment how much you care about your daughter and your grandchildren. I don’t know all the details of your situation, but sometimes in situations like this, the best thing we can do is calmly and gently express our opinion and perspective. I think a great way to begin these types of conversations is with expressing how much you care. Letting your daughter know how much you care about her and your grandchildren just starts the conversation on the right foot. I think you can then let her know that you understand it may sometimes be tough to make the commute, but you and your wife are committed to being able to see them whenever possible. I think asking her to determine those times that work best for everyone is a good start. It will most likely require patience on your end and sometimes it is helpful to work on seeing things from her side. It is not that your needs are any less important, but finding common ground definitely opens up relationships. I hope that was a helpful response. Thank you again for taking the time to express your concerns and stopping by the alternaview.

Reply

steve July 21, 2010 at 5:08 am

Hello and Thanks,,,but what I may have forgot to mention is that my wife is bedbound from 90 percent of the time do to severe disabilities but even that,,it seems our daughter does not want to accept…

Reply

Sibyl July 21, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Steve: Thanks for the comment and stopping by the alternaview again. I know what you are trying to manage is difficult. I do think that you and your wife are doing the right thing and being honest with your daughter about your desire to see her and your grandchildren. I do think that in many instances being patient and having confidence that you will be able to have what you desire can improve situations. It takes time, but usually if we are working toward something that is positive and comes from a place of complete sincerity, things have a way of working out. Also, sometimes the answers and things we can do to improve the situation are something we know deep down. Another thing that would be helpful is to ask yourself for the answers and be patient until they come to you. I hope these responses have been helpful. I really do wish the best for you and your wife.

Reply

Previous post:

Next post:

30660