How to react…what to do…when people push you too far

Real Life Scenario:

You work at a company as the head of a department.  One of your major responsibility areas is selecting the best talent you can find to be a part of your team.  You have interviewed a group of candidates and narrowed it down to 2.

You are in the midst of setting up the candidates for 2nd round interviews when you find out your boss has taken the hiring decision away from you.  For some reason, your boss has decided to intervene and hire a candidate you had already rejected. (What???!!!@@)

To make matters worse, you were not even aware your boss was speaking to this other candidate directly without involving you.  You question your boss about what is going on and he just replies that he has made his decision and this is the way it is going to be.  To add additional insult to injury, he then tells you he is moving you to focus on another department.

Your immediate reaction to this situation may understandably be one of complete frustration and anger.  A total mistrust of your boss and his intentions and a feeling of betrayal coupled with embarrassment because other managers can also see what is going on.  It is a bulls eye hit to your pride.

Now the time has come to decide…What do you do? How do you respond?

There are many choices…these are some of the available options:

a) Immediately tender your letter of resignation.  You have been completely disrespected by your boss.  You will prove your point by leaving.  It is time to go.

b) Take some time away from work and wait for yourself to calm down.  Have a follow up discussion with your boss and then make a decision about what you are going to do.

c) Immediately decide that you are not going to work at this company anymore, but you have to strategically calculate your exit because you need a paycheck.  You will just do what you have to at work, collect your paycheck, and start searching for other jobs.

The alternaview

The alternaview is choice (b).  The most prudent decision when people have pushed you too far and you are upset and angry is to take some time, evaluate what has occurred and what you really should do before you make any decisions.  This is not a time to allow your emotions to get the better part of you and to follow their lead.

This situation and those similar to it are multidimensional and filled with things that can ultimately benefit you (believe it or not), but in order to even begin to delve in and discover the benefits, you have to calm down and step away from the negative emotions that surround this situation.

It is not that you are just allowing someone to take advantage of you or treat you badly, but rather that you are choosing to seek the right frame of mind so that you can see everything that is going on and determine your best next steps.  You are going to set yourself up to take advantage of this situation instead of allowing it to take advantage of you.

When we want to integrate this alternaview into life:

1. Get the right frame of mind. This is the time to put anything and everything you have learned to work in order to calm yourself down and remove the negative emotions from the situation.  Go for a run, do yoga, meditate, play golf, get a massage…do anything and everything you can to start releasing the negative emotions.  Accept the cards you have been dealt, acknowledge your anger and then choose to work through it and release it.  This is not a situation where you fester in your anger and continue to allow it to expand and take over because you feel it is justified.  This is the time to choose to get control of your emotions.  This is also not a time for you to prove to yourself all the many reasons the other person is wrong.  This situation is about you and how you are going to respond.  It is not that you are going ignore being upset or angry, but rather that you are going to choose to acknowledge these emotions and then get rid of them.  You are going to try and see the situation from another perspective or do whatever else you need to in order to get yourself in a better frame of mind.  It may take some time, (don’t let it to be too long) but the important thing is that you continually stay committed to releasing your anger and frustration.

2. It is time to make a good decision. Now that you have removed the emotions from the situation, it is time to make a decision.  What is the best thing you should do?  What seems to make the most sense?  Are you getting signs that are pointing you in a certain direction?  What will put you in the best position and move you in the direction of your ultimate goal?  Are there still things to be learned and gained by experiencing this current situation?  Would you really just be running away because things didn’t work out exactly as you had planned?  You should sit down and reflect on these questions along with many others so that you can determine your best next steps.  The most important thing is that you make a definitive decision one way or another and then set up an action plan to get yourself exactly where you want to be.

3. Reflect on the alternaview. Okay, what is this situation really about?  What is the lesson I am supposed to learn because there is no way I want to have to go through this again?  Until you learn the lesson, it will keep presenting itself in new and unique ways in your life. (It is like that movie Groundhog day where the day keeps repeating…stop the insanity). I can’t tell you what your specific lesson is because it is different for everyone and for every situation.  What I can tell you is that there is ALWAYS a lesson (perhaps several), but you have to honestly look for them and seek them out. You also have to be patient because sometimes they are lessons that you will understand in the future.  You just have to honestly evaluate the situation and figure it out.  Know that the lesson for you is not about someone else (i.e. never work with slime bags, always watch out for back stabbers, don’t ever trust people at work, etc.). The most helpful lessons are about you and your life.  They are things that you can perhaps improve or change that will ultimately play out in your favor.  Look to yourself and what you should be learning…not just in terms of work or the situation, but also in terms of life.  It is not about the boss or the person who has wronged you…trust me, they are getting their own lessons.  Focus on yourself…What can you take with you from this situation that will set you up for future success?

There are going to be times where your tolerance is tested and people may push you just a little too far…the question is how are you going to choose to respond?…this is the alternaview.

Have you encountered a situation where someone has pushed you too far?  How do you react?  Is this an alternaview you have put into practice?

Related Alternaviews:

Sometimes it is all about understanding

Do People Change Your Mind?