How to avoid unnecessary conflict – No more drama

Scenario:

You have taken a cab home from the airport and the cab driver gets lost.  Since he is lost, you ask him to turn off the meter until he figures out how to get you to the right place.  You take notice that the meter reads $29.00 and the cab driver then turns the meter off.  He eventually arrives at your destination and tells you that you owe $32.00.  You explain to him that the meter read $29.00 when he turned it off, but he strongly insists that it was $32.00 and you must pay him $32.00.  You continue to try and explain to him that he is mistaken, but he is not backing down and he wants the extra $3.00.

How do you choose to handle the situation?

1) Do you stand up to the cab driver, argue with him and refuse to pay him the extra $3. (After all he was the one who got lost and wasted your time.  Why on earth should he get an extra $3 for that?)

2) Do you calmly and rationally explain to the cab driver that he is mistaken and after he continues to insist he is right, you get out of the cab and refuse to pay him the $3.

3) Do you calmly and rationally explain to the cab driver that he is mistaken, but after he continues to insist he is right, you pay him the $3.

The alternaview:
The alternaview is that the top priority should always be keeping our mental space clean and free of disturbance, even if that means we have to give up proving we are right.

The best thing to do in this situation is choice #3… just pay the $3 and move on with the rest of your day.  Get out of this situation with as little irritation as possible, pay it very little attention, and enjoy the rest of your day.

Why?

We are talking about $3…You can’t allow a $3 issue to take up mental space and cause you irritation.  The reality is that no matter how much you may say this issue would not affect you in the slightest, there will definitely be some impact on you.  Even if it is only mild irritation and a small disturbance, you want to minimize its ability to have any affect on you at all.  I mean we are really only talking about $3.  (I know we all are working through a recession, but $3 is not going to catapult you into a financial ruin).

For the record, I do believe there are times when you do need to stand up for yourself and make certain someone isn’t taking advantage of you.  It is just definitely not with a dispute over $3.  You have to be wise and choose what is worthwhile because all situations are just not worthy of compromising your peace of mind.

Many people will say it is not the $3, it is a matter of principle.  Right is right and wrong is wrong and you must stand up for what is right.  Let’s be honest though.  By not paying the extra $3, are you really standing up for what is right or are you rather just defending the point that you are right?  I mean do you really know for certain that the meter absolutely said $29…maybe, just maybe, you were mistaken? Or, do you really know for certain that the cab driver is trying to rip you off?  Perhaps he genuinely believes the meter said $32 and you owe him the extra $3.  There are always other plausible explanations and it is much easier to take the higher road when you don’t assume the worst of the person or of the situation.

So, why should we even care about avoiding conflict? Avoiding conflict allows us to maintain a good and clean frame of mind.  It allows us to not get caught up and distracted by those little annoyances or issues that continually arise and focus on those things in our life that really matter.  It makes it easier to have a day where we feel good and are focusing and effectively completing those things we want to.

There are so many distractions around us and it is so easy to get distracted and not focus on the bigger picture.  We have to continually police our minds and make certain we are not focusing on the wrong things.  We have to always prioritize our frame of mind over anything and everything, and although it may feel that what we are doing is only providing someone else an unearned benefit, it really in the end is doing us the most good.

How to use this alternaview:

1.  Place a high value on having a clear mind. Understand and believe in the value of being free of conflict and having a clear mind.  Think about those days when you had an encounter or something happened that really irritated you.  How much mental time and or energy did you waste on that day? Did you spend time thinking about why you were right and the other person was wrong?  Did you tell other people the story so they could share in your outrage?  It is easy to get caught up in the distractions.

Days are just so much better when we don’t have these disturbances.  Think of some of the best days you had in 2009.  Whatever days come to mind were most likely free and clear of mental disturbances.  This is what we should be aiming for everyday.  It will not always be possible because issues arise and things come up, but if this is our goal and we value having a clear mind, we will have more days where this is possible.

2.  Realize you are not the professor of “right and wrong”. It should come as a relief that it is not your job to teach people in the world what is right and what is wrong.  This realization should allow you to let go of teaching lessons and strengthen your ability to take the higher road.  Don’t worry about people not learning their lessons, because eventually everyone does…it is how the world works.  Focus on yourself and doing the right thing and maintaining the right frame of mind.

3. Realize that everything is a test. As you go through the day, focus on the fact that it is filled with tests.  These tests are not just for other people and seeing if they will do what is right, but also for us and to see how we will handle situations when we think people have done something wrong.  How do we manage through conflict? Are we able to not get worked up?  Are we capable of taking the higher road?�� Focus on yourself and passing your tests. Don’t worry about judging how other people are doing with their tests.

4. Make sure you have appropriately categorized the issue. Don’t allow a small issue to become a larger one by framing or characterizing it differently.  Make sure you are not making issues bigger than they really are.  The more we are able to minimize the issue, the easier it is to control its impact on our frame of mind.  If we are really only talking about $3, or something else that is similarly insignificant, keep reminding yourself of that fact as you are managing your way through the situation.

5.  Always remember the bigger picture. You have so many important things that you can focus on.  You can’t allow the lower things the right to hold your attention.  If something is just not that big of a deal, blow it off and move on.  Move on to the bigger and better things. Focus on what you are really trying to do and where you are going…don’t trip over the pebbles on the path.

6. Don’t always assume the worst of people. It is easy to fall into the habit of always assuming people are trying to take advantage of you.  Give people the benefit of the doubt.  Always start with the belief that people are trying to do the right thing and go from there.  If they give you legitimate reasons to believe that is not the case, then that is one thing, but don’t start off skeptical…expect and hope for the best of people.

At the end of the day, there is nothing more valuable than having a mind that is free of anger, irritation, annoyance or any other negative emotions.  What this means is that we should always be doing whatever we can to protect having a good and clear frame of mind.  Whether it is taking the higher road by changing our perspective, or blowing off little things that someone else has done to you, we all have the ability to choose how we react.  Maintaining a clear and free frame of mind should always be our number one priority…this is the alternaview.

Are you continually able to take the higher road? Is this an alternaview you already put into practice?

Related alternaviews:

How to react…what to do…when people push you too far

The Importance of finding a middle ground

Extending our OPEN philosophy to all interactions