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"Great Living" Tip #1: Never offer Unsolicited Advice

Jan
14
2010

by Sibyl · 11 comments

Has someone ever told you they decided to do something and because you disagreed with their decision, you offered them your opinion?  OR Have you ever told someone that they were making a mistake because you thought they needed to know?  When these situations happen, you feel that you are doing the right thing because you are helping them out.

The alternaview:
The alternaview is that we should never offer unsolicited advice. If someone isn’t asking…then we shouldn’t be telling.  The best thing we can do is to keep our opinion to ourselves (yes, that also means you can’t talk about them and their mistakes to other people).

Are there exceptions to the rule about never offering unsolicited advice?

Yes, but there is only one…and that is with your children (and this means real children, not adults that you have decided are too young to make their own minds up).

And, that’s it.  There are no other exceptions.

Why?

Because, if someone is not asking you to share your opinion, then they have already  made up their mind and you really are not helping the situation.  In most instances the only reason why they are even telling you is so that you can agree with them.  This doesn’t mean you have to pretend you agree when you don’t, but rather you just acknowledge that they have to do what they feel is best.

The best thing we can do and offer to other people is to let them reach good conclusions on their own.  When we follow this rule, we are really providing them with the freedom they need to live and learn, and that is what it is all about…that is the alternaview.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Catrien Ross January 14, 2010 at 11:24 pm

Sibyl, your alternaview blog is just brimming with helpful suggestions that really help us became better human beings. Thank you again for another thoughtful post. What I sense in this post is your recognition that basic respect for another is paramount in any relationship. And adults really do have the inner resources to reach good conclusions on their own – without any unsolicited advice. Greetings to you on this windy day in the mountains in Japan – a huge, old paulownia tree fell over the day before yesterday (no damage to our minka or garden, fortunately).
.-= Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Getting Out of Bed on the Positive Side =-.

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Sibyl January 15, 2010 at 6:02 am

@Catrien: Thanks for the kind words Catrien and your last comments. I am also enjoying having these conversations with you. I really believe in the importance of doing all you can to live better and be better and your blog is such a wealth of information with great advice. I am also trying to participate in that conversation with the alternaview and am glad you like the blog. I am so happy to have you commenting here. Have a wonderful weekend. Sibyl

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Gail @ A Flourishing Life January 16, 2010 at 10:50 am

Hi Sybil,
An interesting post and great reminder to think before you speak.

I must say, though, that I can think of some other exceptions to the rule. As I look at my own life, I can see that I have definitely benefited from people making suggestions to me – even what I would call unsolicited advice – that I probably would never have thought of on my own and that helped me in some way.

It’s all in how it comes across. I definitely don’t like people telling me what I should do. But if someone says, “Did you ever think about…?” I would be open.

What I find very useful is asking first. If I have an idea for someone, I frequently ask some version of, “I have a suggestion, or another way of looking at this. Are you open to hearing it?” of “I have some thoughts about this. Would you like to hear them?” This is a communication skill that works because the person is making the choice to listen, they are involved, and won’t hear it as a demand or criticism.

One reason we are here is to help each other, and we all benefit when we share the wisdom.

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Sibyl January 16, 2010 at 4:27 pm

@Gail:Welcome to the alternaview and thanks for the comment. I think you make a good point and I probably should have ended the post asking for times when people think there are other exceptions. I agree with you if people are receptive to your advice then there is so much value in living and learning together. I also agree that there is something to be said about your approach and how you address the situation. I think we just need to have good “advice radar” and know when people are receptive versus when they really would rather just navigate through a situation on their own. Thank you again for the insightful comment and sharing your perspective. It is nice to have you commenting here at the alternaview. Sibyl

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Jared April 14, 2010 at 11:04 am

I agree totally. The only long-lasting views, opinions, and lessons I’ve learned in my life were from mistakes I made or didn’t make all by myself. If you really think about it… Have you/I ever “really” changed anyone’s mind on a topic which they had a strong opinion? I sure haven’t. My EGO (Easing God Out) sure likes to tell me I can, or even have, which simply isn’t the case.

Great post, thanks for reminding me.
.-= Jared´s last blog ..Potholes and Emotional Pain =-.

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Sibyl April 15, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Jared: Always have loved that use of EGO because it really can stand alone on its own and communicate so much. Anytime your opinions and advice are coming from EGO, you are never going to change someone’s mind that is not asking for advice. I think we have to pick and choose those times where we offer our opinions and we are usually more successful if we offer them when we are asked. Thanks for the comment. It is great to have you commenting at the alternaview. Sibyl

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Melinda July 5, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Great post, Sibyl! Another thing I’ve learned is that no matter how well we think we know someone, we don’t know anyone well enough to know what’s best for them (except, as you’ve pointed out, our children). As a Life Coach I’ve learned the hard way that advice is often simply wrong – we don’t know what we don’t know!

Melinda
.-= Melinda´s last blog ..Unsticking =-.

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Jennifer Brown Banks July 25, 2010 at 10:37 pm

Afraid I would have to disagree on this one, Sybil.:-)
I think it depends on the nature of the relationship. If it’s a close friend or family member, I think it’s incumbent upon us to speak up if we have info that might save them from potential heartache and headache.
Sometimes when people are too close to a situation they can’t exercise objectivity, and unsolicited advice is needed.

Now whether they choose to accept it or not, that’s on them.:-) At least I’ve done my part to make the world a better place.;-)
.-= Jennifer Brown Banks´s last blog ..The 3 Essentials of Writing- Reading- Researching and Writing =-.

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Sibyl July 26, 2010 at 5:34 am

Hey Jennifer: Thanks for the comment and I appreciate your comment. I hear what you are saying and I know other people would agree with you as well :) I think you have to do what you feel is right for yourself and for the situation and I can definitely understand your point that you have to do what you can to help other people. For me, never offering unsolicited advice is a challenge and something I think I am still working on. I still work at it because I think sometimes people have their own journey to travel and a lot of times the best answers and direction can really be found within yourself. I am all about participating and giving advice when it is asked for, but I do try to steer away from just offering it when it is not. I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences here. It is a great conversation to have.

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Sarah Joseph December 17, 2011 at 4:51 am

Your advice is very interesting. If a friend tells you he or she is going to jump off a bridge do not offer any advice, if he or she said they have a gun and going to hurt somebody do not offer any advice. If some one do not need advice they should pay a proffessional/therapist to listen to them. If some one is talking to a friend or family member who is not trained in listening to others you are asking for another point of view to assist in your decision making. If you do not want to here feedback from someone you are unloading your problems to you should ask them in advence if they are willing to listen and just do that. I do not want anyone to make me and enabler in making dumb choices. In addition somethings people tell you can make you liable.

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Sibyl December 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Hey Sarah: Thanks for the comment. I definitely understand what you are saying. I would agree that if people are literally going to put themselves in a dangerous position that you need to do whatever you can and feels right to help them. I was just trying to offer the possibility that perhaps there are times when the best thing we can do is listen to other people and decide if it feels right to offer our opinion. I do understand your point though and am glad you stopped by. Thanks again for the comment.

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