One of the Best Ways to Deal with Difficult People…And get what you need

Inevitably you have probably run into that tough client, co-worker, business representative, or anyone else that has been somewhat challenging (translation – difficult, and sometimes nearly impossible) to work with.  Many of us have probably even had some less than positive conversations or interactions with these people.

I am sure you all have heard the best thing we can do is to take the higher road, turn the other cheek…be the bigger person.  Now, this is all great advice, but let’s be honest, it is much easier said than done.

There is a different perspective and approach we can also incorporate into our interactions.

The alternaview

The alternaview is that the best strategy we can employ is to not allow interactions with challenging people to ever get to the point where we even need to turn to the other cheek.

Is that possible?  Of course it is, but it requires us to look at things a little differently and really understand that one of the true measures of who we are and how we are progressing has everything to do with how we relate and interact with other people.

It really matters how we are able to function and handle those different types of people we come into contact with…especially those we classify as challenging or difficult.  Yes, it may be their fault or their idiosyncrasies that are creating the issues, but is our responsibility to learn to manage positively through all situations.  We can never let anything get the best of us or allow us to behave in a way that we know is inconsistent with who we are.

Why?

Because when we are interacting with other people in any way that is less than positive, we are introducing negative thoughts and feelings into our experiences and that unfortunately spills over to other aspects and experiences we are having.  It negatively impacts our thoughts and emotions and alone is enough to taint the other things that are going on in our lives.   Allowing the introduction of any type of negativity into any of our experiences is harmful.  Our goal has to always be to free our mind from nonsense and drama and that means we don’t get entangled in these types of situations.

How?

By choosing to not participate in conflict and catch situations before they even begin to turn negative.   One of the best tactics we can employ is to ask questions.  Not random or rhetorical questions, but rather real, thoughtful questions that show we are open to suggestion and allowing the other person to participate in finding a solution.  Questions that on the surface illustrate we are truly interested in someone’s advice.

• What are your thoughts about doing it this way?
• I see what you are saying, but do you think it may also makes sense to consider this perspective?
• Can I get your advice on how you think we should best handle this?
• Do you have any ideas?

Any questions along these lines will work and if you know you are dealing with a difficult person, it is the best place to begin (even if you feel you already know the right answer and don’t really need their input) .  It allows them to immediately see you care about their perspective and are open to suggestion.  It sets the tone that illustrates this is not going to be a confrontational situation.

I am telling you…difficult people LOVE questions.  They love to be the authority, so why not give them this satisfaction so you can work together and reach a solution that really works?  If you can figure out how to remove the negative emotions out of interactions, you never have to worry about them rising to a level where you will even need to worry about turning the other cheek.  And, you will set yourself up to be in the best position to arrive as close as possible to a solution that you agree with.

Is this manipulation?  Of course not…you are just sincerely being open minded because you realize there is so much value in being open to suggestion and allowing people to possibly change your mind (or at least influence it a little).

How to use this alternaview:

1. Listen more…speak less: You have to listen to what people are saying so they can see you are engaged and respecting their opinion.  Also, this will allow you to really ask the right questions that will help lead you to a collaborative decision.

2. Be Sincere. This is a must. Most people have extremely good “insincere radars” and they can see when you are being fake.  You really need to be open to working together, no matter how challenging the person may be, and then your sincerity will come through.

3.  Watch out for facial expressions. Honestly, this is my weakness.  What I am thinking is often written right across my face and when people say crazy things, even if I don’t respond verbally, people can see that I disagree.  Difficult people will possibly answer a question and their answer will be crazy (and serve as additional evidence as to why they fall into the difficult category). However, you have to keep your cool and continue with the questions so you can get to the place that works for everyone.

4. Be Willing to go that extra mile. Be willing to do whatever it takes and ask as many questions as is necessary to calmly get to a tenable solution.  Even if the conversation has to last 20 minutes longer than you desired, be willing to continue to calmly work with the person.

The simple truth is we are much better off personally when we are able to get along with people. Always keep it top of mind that literally everyone you come into contact with wants to feel respected (whether you believe they have earned it or not). If we can keep this top of mind and manage all interactions appropriately, we should never even have to get to the point where we are turning the other cheek or trying to calm down a situation that has gotten out of control.  We have done all that we can to prevent the situation from escalating…we are asking questions, staying open minded and collaborating because we see the bigger picture…there is nothing that is ever worth tainting our mind or experience.  We have so many other things we want to focus on and accomplish and this means we have to deny the lower things and frustrations the right to ever interfere…that is the alternaview.

What are your thoughts?  Do you agree with this alternaview?