Have you ever noticed those people that have an opinion on just about anything you say or do? Some people believe it is their responsibility to tell you if you have made a mistake or correct things about you they have decided need to change.
The world is filled with advisors. Whether it is someone close to us, like a family member or a friend, or someone who is more removed, like a co-worker or a stranger on the street; it is common to run into people that feel entitled to give you advice and share their thoughts on how and what you could and should be doing better.
And, some of this advice can really be helpful. Sometimes people share good and constructive criticism that helps us understand more about ourselves, our strengths, our opportunity areas, and how we are being perceived. This is the advice and information we want to listen to and use to learn and grow.
However, sometimes the advice is not useful and is only unfair or biased criticism. Not only is it not helpful, but it can strike us at our core and break down our own confidence. We are taught from a young age that we should dismiss comments when people are simply being rude and trying to insult us. We should have thick skin and simply turn the other cheek.
But, many times it is much easier said than done to simply dismiss these comments. Despite the fact we have reminded ourselves over and over again to have thick skin, to blow off their comments and focus on moving forward, we may end up falling into the trap of getting angry and really disturbed. Although we may pretend we are not bothered or affected by their thoughts, in actuality our skin is not as thick as we think and we find ourselves continually reflecting on their criticism and how it made us feel. We have allowed their criticism to invade our peace of mind.
And, since it is inevitable we will encounter unfair criticism at some point, and perhaps at many points, we need a perspective that will get us to the peace of mind we really need as soon as possible. We need something that will really ensure we have thick skin and that unfair criticism rolls right off of us. We need an alternaview.
The alternaview
When people say things that are hurtful and hit us at our core, the best thing we can do is take a step back, objectively look at the situation and decide we are going to be our own judge. Instead of handing over control and reacting to what they said, getting upset, defensive or trying to convince them why they are mistaken, we should view the situation as an opportunity to look within and be our own judge. We get to complete our own objective self analysis and decide if they have identified anything we really need to work on or if we should just move on and continue what we have been doing because their advice and criticism is unfounded.
We should ask ourselves if what we have done or how we have behaved is consistent with our own truth and who we know we should be. We should honestly explore their criticism, but if we conclude we have not abandoned any of our core beliefs and the truth we know, then we should dismiss their criticism and continue to follow what we know is right. We should not let anyone lead us astray and we should stay focused on our own truth.
Why?
Because when people have criticized us unfairly and upset us, the best way to restore our frame of mind is to know we are doing the right thing and following what we know to be true. As long as that is genuinely the case, we can keep reminding ourselves of that reality, and that will allow us to more easily dismiss what they have said. That will allow us to move on and really develop thick skin because when we know we are doing the right thing there should be nothing that other people say that can change that reality.
How to use this alternaview:
1. Stay Calm: When people criticize you and say something that is totally unfair, focus on staying calm and not emotionally reacting to them. Don’t allow the situation to escalate and suck you in deeper because that will make your honest evaluation of their criticism and the return to your peace of mind take longer. It’s okay to dismiss yourself from the situation, go have some private time and express your emotion and frustration while you are alone … get it out and release it if that helps you. But, never engage your critic in debate or get defensive. It will get you nowhere.
2. Find a way to Have Good Thoughts About the Person. Think 5 good things about the person who criticized you. Yes, in many instances this can be very challenging at first. The reality is though that many people have other personal issues going on and they haven’t figured out how to control themselves and not allow their issues to negatively impact others. Their actions and comments can’t be justified, but if you are able to see they have some “behind the scene” things going on, it makes it easier to see them in a better light. And, when you can do this, it eliminates a lot of anger or frustration that you may have toward them.
3. Survey Yourself. Do all you can to see things from their perspective and ask yourself if there is anything you could have done better. Whatever it is they are criticizing, ask yourself about it and if you behaved in a way that you are proud of. Was what you did or said consistent with your core beliefs and what you know is right? Be open minded and honest while doing this exploration. It is okay if you can see some truth in what they are saying. It just means this is one of those times you get to learn and grow.
4. Your Truth Trumps. Realize that if you feel very good about what you did or said and after your survey, you feel you have lived up to your own truth and core beliefs, then your truth trumps. If you have followed your own truth and have done what you know is right, then your truth trumps anything that anyone else has to say about you. Continually reflect on the fact that you have followed your own truth and done what you know is right. There is nothing better than that.
Conclusion
It is inevitable that people are going to criticize you and say things about you that are unfair and untrue. However, if you are following what you know to be right and have truth on your side, there is nothing they can say that should be of any consequence. When your own truth and doing the right thing is your tail wind, it is much easier to dismiss unfair criticism and move forward … that is the alternaview.
Are you immune to unfair criticism? Do you agree with this alternaview? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
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