“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese
Recently, I came across a poll and 74% of the people polled said there was someone they still needed to forgive. Now it may seem that 74% is a high percentage of people, but honestly, I get it. Forgiving people is not always easy. I know I have had my own hangups with forgiveness and it’s definitely a situation of easier said than done.
People can really do some awful things and make it amazingly hard for you to even think about forgiving them. Especially those people that have somehow convinced themselves they have done nothing wrong. Isn’t it just the craziest thing that someone can do something they know deep down is wrong, but find a way to justify their actions enough that they aren’t even really apologetic?
Forgiving people can be challenging enough when people sincerely apologize, but it adds an entire new layer to the situation when you realize you aren’t going to even get an apology. But, as I am sure you already know, there really are so many reasons why we want to forgive anyone and everyone as soon as is absolutely possible.
Do It For Yourself
Forgiveness has always been one of those things that deep down I always knew I should do. But, honestly, once I discovered the direct link forgiveness had to my current and future happiness and also to my ability to accomplish goals and enlarge my future, I was extra motivated to do everything necessary to find the quickest road to forgiveness.
Could you say that a major motivation behind forgiving people was inspired by my self-interest in accomplishing what I wanted and prioritizing my own peace of mind?
Yes.
Am I more interested in freeing myself to move on and create the life I want than I am in “punishing” whoever has done something wrong by remaining angry?
Absolutely. (And, by the way, I finally figured out that punishing people by remaining angry never works no matter how much the negative committee in our mind tries to convince us otherwise.)
So, I am now all about forgiving people as quickly as possible and getting back to focusing on the things I am doing and creating the future I really want. I am not going to allow any issues with anyone to handcuff me and hold me back. Nothing is worth it — and trust me, nothing is worth it for you either. We’ve got way too many good things at stake that we don’t want to tarnish with negativity.
Now, this doesn’t mean you let people treat you badly and walk all over you. I believe you’ve got to always choose very wisely who you spend your time with.
But, when it comes to forgiveness, today is the day to just let all the baggage go that weighs you down. I don’t care who it is or how terrible a thing they have done, it is time to get serious about forgiving them and moving on. We can’t afford to wait any longer. It’s time to free our minds once and for all and enlarge our future. Join me?
The Possibility of Today
1. Make It A Priority to Get Better and Better at Forgiving. Decide today that you are willing to do everything necessary to master the skill of forgiveness. This is one of those essential things that you need to be able to easily do. It will open you up to living in a completely new way.
2. Forgive, Forgive, Forgive. If someone upsets you and the negative committee in your mind starts winding up and recounting all the reasons you should be angry, decide you are going to reel it in. Remind yourself that it just isn’t worth it. Choose to move forward and refuse to stay in a holding pattern filled with anger.
3. Work At It Daily. If there is someone that you have yet to forgive, commit to clearing your mind of resentment or anger every single day. Work to see the person or situation in a better light (even if you are only pretending in the beginning). Eventually, if you genuinely work at it, your anger will melt away. Remind yourself there is always a reason for people’s behavior. Everyone has a story and something they have gone through. This doesn’t mean that people aren’t accountable for their bad behavior, but it does allow you to find a way to understand them better and forgive them a little easier.
Live Today Better than Yesterday
Please let me know your thoughts about this article. Did you like it? Do you agree. As always, if you need to contact me for anything, please feel free to use the contact form or send an e-mail to sibylchavis@possibilityoftoday.com
Hi Sibyl,
This is a tough one for everyone, it seems! Looking at it from a new perspective sometimes helps – why did this person show up in my life? What did I learn from it? What lesson can I learn? No point in holding onto a grudge – most of the time the other party will come up with a good reason (excuse) anyway and at core level it often wasn’t meant to be nearly as offensive as we take it.
Julie: Thanks for the comment. I think that what you mentioned is such a good point — why did this person show up in my life? Anytime you start looking for a lesson, you know you are moving in the right direction:) Thanks again for the comment and thanks for dropping by.
What a good point! The other person may not have any idea what their purpose in your life is or what lesson you need to learn from them, but that’s beside the point. If you can grow from the experience, it was worth it!
100% agree. I am all about using situations in whatever way I need to so that I can grow:) Great point. Thanks for sharing it here.
It isn’t as easy as it sounds. An individual’s level of awareness does influence the individual’s reaction to life. If someone offended me- when we both know this- and I let his negligence to apologize irk me, I am on the same level of awareness with the person, as long as I continue to nurse the grudge within. So what do I gain by remaining angry? Very simple!1. I waste my time pondering and reliving the situation while I ignore the things that are important to me.2. I become sick within and my physical expression will become that of a sad, angry person. In a nutshell, letting the emotion of anger linger for too long is detrimental to our health. If someone does something wrong to you and refuses to apologize, instead of letting it consume your inner peace, it’ll be better for you to elicit the traits of an enlightened person by showing that you understand this: enlightened people will never offend others, and if by mistake they do, they will be quick realize and apologize.
All really good points Giles. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here. I think what you said about not reliving the situation is so important. It really is all about forgiving and moving on “baggage free”. Thanks so much for the comment and thanks for dropping by.
I struggle with the concept of forgiveness on a regular basis. I guess it was meant to be like that. I think you can forgive but you can never forget. Mistakes done to you are meant to teach you lessons you shouldn’t forget. So instead of forgive and forget, Is say forgive and accept.
Glori: Thanks for the comment. I would say that Forgive and accept works as long as you add a “move on” free and clear of any baggage to the end:) Forgiveness is definitely not easy, just as you mentioned. Thanks so much for the comment.
An excellent article to remind me of the necessity of forgiving others for my own well being. Thank you!
So glad you liked the article Jenni:) I am glad you found it useful. Thanks for the comment and letting me know.
Yes, it requires daily work initially until it is totally flushed out of the head.
Forgiveness is a hot topic right now and I am enjoying it very much. Thank you, Sibyl – beautifully expressed.
Thanks for the comment Vidya. I appreciate it. You are so right that forgiveness is something to work at daily. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
Hi, Sybil:
Forgiveness is key to happiness and, you’re right, forgiving others frees us to move on and focus on the positive. I’m glad you noted in your post that forgiveness does not mean (a) that we allow people to walk on us, or (b) that we stop expecting the offender to be responsible for his or her words and deeds. Forgiveness should be something we do to liberate ourselves and move forward. Forgiveness is not a state of denial we choose to slip into. I’d rather tell myself a hard truth than blind myself with an easy lie, you know?
I hear you when you say there are people who hurt others and then rationalize their behavior to the point of refusing to apologize. Sometimes people are afraid of facing their own behavior. Other times, people lack the emotional tools to have a functional relationship with others, which is predicated on accountability and respect. As you say, it adds a whole new layer when the offender refuses to apologize or so much as acknowledge he or she insulted you. When faced with this situation, it’s always good to forgive that person for your own peace of mind, but consider distancing yourself from that emotionally irresponsible person, if possible.
Thank you for this post. Have a beautiful day.
Hey Janette. Thanks so much for the comment and thanks for dropping by. I really loved all the wisdom you shared and you are show right that regardless of what has happened, the best thing we can do is forgive. I thought all the insights you shared about the reasons for people’s behavior was also very informative. Thanks for dropping by again and sharing your wisdom here.
The hardest person for me to forgive is myself.
Hey Patti: Thanks for the comment. I think you make an important point because forgiving yourself is often the hardest thing to do. I actually remember doing an interview with Lori Deschene from Tinybuddha.com and she mentioned one of the best things she ever realized was that she wasn’t the enemy. And, I think that is what it is all about. You really aren’t the enemy and once your really understand that and focus on correcting that thinking, it is much easier to forgive yourself for just about anything. Have you made mistakes? Possibly, but who hasn’t. It’s all about being open to learn the lessons that come your way and not beating yourself up for not always being perfect. One of my favorite quotes — “Remind yourself it’s okay not to be perfect. Thanks so much for the comment and for dropping by.
Everyone has a story and sometimes that story is this person has no conscience, no regrets, and no second thoughts when about to do evil. If you can forgive someone like that I admire you. Once your journey of understanding reaches the I-have-no-conscience dead end a few times, you become more guarded and realize that we all look human but some of us are just sharks. It is useless to waste your energy resenting the actions of a shark.
Hey Frank. Thanks for the comment. I was wondering what conclusion you were going to reach and actually thought you were going the other direction:) I would have to say that I agree it is just not a good use of your time to resent the actions of people who have upset you. I think we are just so much better off to work on forgiveness and not be weighed down by negativity. Thanks for your honesty and the comment Frank.
Forgiveness is definitely as important for the person giving the forgiveness. I think we’ve all had moments of “I’ll never forgive them.” My mother called it sending love. When she was angry at someone she would say, “I’m sending them love.” I’ve never forgotten that and try to do it myself. Not always easy!!
Great post Sibyl!
Love that Betsy. Your mom is a very wise woman. The more love you can send, the better and I love the idea about focusing on sending love to those who have upset you. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom here.
When I am wounded by the behavior or actions of another, I ask myself, “What pattern am I repeating here?” If I look carefully at past similar occurances wherein I was the “victim” , I find that I am simply continuing to attract situations with which I became “comfortable” at an early age. When I realize that this is indeed “a pattern”, I no longer attract that situation, thereby eliminating the need to forgive.
Sharon: Thanks for the comment. I think that is such a good point. It really is about becoming aware of the patterns you have been doing for far too long that just do nothing positive for you. Once you let those go, you really can move forward in such a better way. Thanks so much for the comment and thanks for dropping by.
Hi SIbyl,
We can let forgiveness get in our way at times. Some use it as an excuse to remain miserable, others so they can continue to blame the other person. I agree that forgiveness frees us from negativity and let’s us move forward in our life. When we allow ourselves to forgive, we are in a happier place. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Cathy: Thanks for the comment. You are so right, it is all about not letting forgiveness or things that have upset us weigh us down and hold us back. So glad you liked the article and thanks for dropping by and commenting.
Love this, Sybil! It covers all aspects of a situation. It is important that people realize that this does not mean be a doormat to mistreatment. You must make life-enhancing decisions. Just don’t hold on to anger which only chips away at your physical and spiritual well-being. Keep spreading the word! Peace and blessings.
I concur with the message in your article. However, as often as I forgive someone, I find myself returning to resentment which I don’t expect and I don’t want.
Been there — done that:) I know exactly what you are talking about. I think the key is to realize that you have to actively engage in the forgiveness process. Work to keep forgiving the situation top of mind. I thought once I had forgiven I could kind of switch to auto-pilot mode, but you really have to keep reinforcing the forgiveness until you feel it firmly planted in your heart. Thanks so much Susan for the comment and for dropping by.
Yes! Susan! I find that there’s layers. Layers to my comprehension of what was done to me. Layers of what I THINK was done to me. Layers in my attitudes about both. Layers to my willingness to forgive. So, like peeling the onion, I forgive and, if anger/resentment creeps in, forgive again. Rinse and repeat. Appreciating the offender’s pain in life that caused bad behavior is also helpful for me. Not condoning, but getting what a painful history they must have gives me a measure of compassion.
Love this statement Bill – I forgive and, if anger/resentment creeps in, forgive again. Rinse and repeat.
I particularly appreciated the “rinse and repeat”:) Such great wisdom. Thanks for sharing it here:)
This article was very helpful and full of practical advice that really makes perfect i(f there is such a thing) sense.
I have someone I nned toforgive, but who does not think they did anything wrong. Verbal and emotional abuse by my father for whom I work. It has been a sad journey aas I had no idea he was this way. I did not confront his abhorrent behavior, and dragged both my nuclear and extended family into the muck and mire. The situation is a pure no win for anyone. The anger and hurt are way way down, but I hope to forgive him and move on.
Thank you for the words of wisdom.
Kimberly
So glad the article was helpful Kimberly. Thanks for taking the time to comment and let me know. I think the fact that you realize you have someone to forgive is an important first step. Just take it one day at a time. I know it can be challenging, but it will definitely be so worth it. Thanks again for the comment and for dropping by.
Hi Sibyl – This is SUCH an important lesson for me. It took me years to make the distinction between “forgiving” and “condoning.” The practice of forgiveness is also, in my experience, closely allied with the power of authentic apology. My wife and I have a saying: When we argue, the first person to apologize wins!
I also want to share a practice I have is super-quick forgiveness. I ride a motorcycle in San Francisco traffic and often split lanes on the freeway when traffic is very slow or stopped. Car drivers are often distracted and pull toward my line of travel. Men usually express their fear as anger. So, inside my helmet, I immediately yell at them, “You a-hole! And I forgive you.” Instantly letting go is SO much better than carrying the hot coal around all day! Of course, you could say, better to not experience the anger at all. OK, but I’m not a saint. Yet. Thanks for the great topic. – Bill
Hey Bill: I love that concept of instant forgiveness. It really is a such a good one and I agree with you that sometimes we may run into those times where something happens and it does annoy us – or at the very least gets our attention. I am also not a saint:) so I know sometimes our buttons really do get pushed. The key is to do exactly what you explained — instant forgiveness:) Thanks for the comment and for dropping by.
Ah, annoyance! That term, along with “frustration” seem to be those wiggle words that really are pointing at “anger.”
The best definition of “anger” that I’ve come across: Anger is my experience of a hurt or a fear that I have decided is
not going away.” When I can achieve enough distance from my “upset” (temporary insanity!) to look for the hurt (my experience of a loss) or the fear (my experience of a hurt that is about to happen), then I can let go of the anger and start the process of restoring what I feel was lost or about to be lost. In other words, I can move into healing, and not waste time defending my anger, or worse, let it fester into resentment and depression.
Of course, this fulfillment process is greatly enhanced and accelerated by forgiveness. If I can let go of my attachment to being right, of assigning blame, then I’m much more readily enter my heart and get out of my head. Forgiveness really functions as the master key to happiness.
As the bumper sticker says, “Don’t believe everything you think!”
Hey Bill: Thanks so much for the comment. That bumper sticker is one of my all time favorite sayings:) I think your explanation of detaching yourself from the anger and assessing the situation and what is actually “lost” is so key. It allows you to step back and look at things from a different perspective and every time you do that, things just naturally improve. Thanks so much for the comment and for stopping by.
Thank you so much. This is just what I need to hear. I have been struggling with forgiving someone for years now. This person continues to wreak havoc in my life day after day. It’s hard to forgive over and over and over. But the anger and stress this person causes isn’t worth the damage it is doing to my body. I suppose I need to continue to forgive each and every day. There is no other way.
Hey Alli: Thanks you so much for the comment and for dropping by. I am so glad that you came across the article at the right time. I think you are right that you never want other people’s bad behavior to cause you to stress out and be angry. It’s just not worth it. So glad you liked the article. Thanks again for dropping by.
i agree with u and i liked the article as well i have already taken a few pointers to start using on a daily basis
So glad Michelle:) Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate you dropping by.
Over the years, forgiveness has gotten easier when I remember that each person has very personal and very definite reasons for what they do. I only know part of the story. Some things seem inexcusable, but who knows what was going on to trigger it? Sometimes the backstory might be made known, but even if it isn’t it helps to remember that it is there, and if I understood it in the terms that the other person does, their actions might suddenly make perfect sense. This doesn’t ask me to change my opinions or perspectives, only to understand that other people are not obligated to change theirs, either.
Thanks so much for the comment and for sharing your wisdom here. I think what you said about understanding there is always a reason why and a backstory is such great advice. I know that this is something I always try to keep in mind because as you mentioned, you often can’t see the entire picture. It definitely helps you get to forgiveness quicker too and of course that’s a great thing:) Thanks again for the comment and for dropping by. I appreciate it.
Maybe you and the others can help me…how do you forgive someone who exhibits sociopathic behavior and zero intention to change, yet experiences the prosperity you want for yourself, while you are, although not perfect in any sense of the word, trying your very best to just survive, to see yourself for all that you are (good and bad) and improve daily?
Joy, it appears to me a lot of emotional forces are swirling around this subject for you and your situation, which is, of course, perfectly normal. What’s also so is that intense feelings can cause us to blur distinctions that otherwise could be very useful. For instance, you say someone behaves as a sociopath, “yet” experiences prosperity. Implicit in this statement is that somehow you feel sociopaths shouldn’t be rewarded financially. Unfortunately in the real world, I find it’s often unfeeling people who are able best to take advantage of others and pile up money. But a bigger confusion may lie in your question about how can you possibly forgive an unrepentant sociopath. I think that question shows that you haven’t yet imbibed Sybil’s essay on the fact that forgiveness is for YOU, not for the other and that it has NOTHING to do with condoning, excusing, or accommodating bad behavior. We must at all times protect ourselves from the consequences of dysfunctional, immoral, or uncaring behaviors. AND we can, at the same time, let go of our own destructive festering anger and judgement of those other unhappy perpetrators, even if they gain financially in the process. To not put too nice a spin out it: we can just let them live in their poop, protect ourselves, and not waste our time with such folks. I’ve had to completely cut off several relationships with sociopaths: leave a job, fire an employee, and end a friendship. I wish them well and hope they one day discover a better, more fulfilling way to live their short and generally miserable chaotic lives. But I refuse to be hurt or upset by such deluded people. I refuse to be drawn in to their drama. Hope this helps you. All the Best, Bill
Joy: I know that forgiving someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness can definitely be one of the toughest things. As Michelle and I were discussing, it’s all about keeping it top of mind that forgiveness really is for you. Once you can really see how forgiving frees you and really enlarges your Own future, it’s much easier to not have to rely on other people’s apologies in order to get your mind where it should be. Does that make sense? Please let me know if you have any other questions:)
i like this article because just as the person as above ask how do u forgive someone who is not even apologetic for what they have done? it was not easy for me as well but i have forgiven them an accepted the fact that they never will apologise. thanks to this inspiration i came across that made it clearer to me. and it says: life becomes easier when u learn to accept an apology u never got. that ionspiration had me thinking an played in my head for days. and little by little i have reached the point where i have stiopped looking for the apology but i have to move on.
Michelle: I think that is so great and a tool you will be able to really take with you and benefit from forever. It really is important to do whatever you can to free yourself from holding onto anger and resentment and oftentimes I’ve learned that means forgiving someone who hasn’t even asked for forgiveness. Once you really recognize and keep it top of mind that forgiveness is for yourself and not the other person, it makes it much easier. Thanks for the comment and for dropping by.
minewall no problem im glad it can help someone else
Dear Sibyl
I had a neighbour who hurt me badly, after being friendly and sociable at first, they started ignoring me for no apparent reason. They recently left to move away and knocked my door to say goodbye. Having been ignored and hurt for so long, I refused to answer, as I felt I might have said something unkind.
They have now gone and I feel so bad by acting this way and can’t seem to forgive myself or them for our bad behaviour, how can I get over this feeling, please.
Many thanks RW
I loved this article just what i needed to hear! But what do u do when you’ve decided not to be friends with the person that hurt you! Like when we see we dont talk to each other at all. But the thing is i dont even want to be friends with this person so what do i do?
Hi Claire – Thanks for the message and for dropping by. I think the most important thing is to start with forgiveness – which it seems like you have. After you have forgiven someone and you know for certain you have cleared your mind, then I think it is fair to determine whether or not you want them in your life going forward. You don’t always have to keep people in your life if you feel that there are more reasons you should both move on your separate ways. Thanks again for the comment and let me know if you do have any other questions.